English teacher: ‘Jim, give me a sentence with the word “counterfeit” in it.’
Jim: ‘I wasn’t sure if she was a centipede or a millipede, so I had to count her feet.’
Tag Archives: humor
Joke of the day – Lesson on evolution
The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy.
TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay.(He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That’s my point. We can’t see God because he isn’t there! He doesn’t exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked:
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then based on what we were taught today, she does not have one!
Joke of the day – Voice mail from God
We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered, “What if God decided to install voice mail?” Imagine praying and hearing this…
Thank you for calling My Father’s House.
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all other inquiries
What if God used the familiar excuse, “All the angels are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line. You call will be answered in the order it was received.
Can you imagine getting these kinds of response as you call on God in prayer?
If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 1 now
If you would like to speak to Michael, press 2 now
For a directory of other angels, press 3 now
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you’re holding,
press 4 now
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, enter his or her social security number now.
For reservations at My Father’s House, press the letters J-O-H-N and then 3-1-6.
For answers on nagging questions about the age of earth and where Noah’s Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.
Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.
This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday after 9:00 a.m.
Joke of the day – The photographer
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”
Joke of the day – The spectacular job
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. “I’ll grant you your fondest wish,” the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job — a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.”
“Poof!” said the genie. “You’re a housewife.”
Happiness is …
…wearing a pair of oversize sneakers.
Joke of the day – Adam & Eve
The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children’s Sunday School class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw some picture that would illustrate the story.
Little Bobby was most interested and drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat, behind the wheel was a man and in the back seat, a man and a woman.
The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson of Adam and Eve.
But little Bobby was prompt with his explanation. “Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!”
Joke of the day – The best gift for mother
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said: “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said: “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third said: “You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.
“Milton,” she said, “the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
“Gerald,” she said, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He’s a pain!”
“But Donald,” she said, “the little chicken you sent was delicious!”
Quote of the day – Robert Frost
Having fun in a box!
“If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane.” – Robert Frost
Joke of the day – Just horsing around
Two horses were walking back to the paddock after training. One says to the other “I can’t understand why we are so slow, we come from good stock, we have the best of food, great trainers, and yet we come last in every race.”
There was a dog running along side them who overheard and said “I know what your problem is. I have seen you race and it looks to me as if you race off at the start really fast and use up all your energy and then you have nothing left. What you should do is pace yourselves and when all the other horses are tuckered, put in a spurt and you’re sure to win. What do you think of that?”.
The horses looked at one another and said “WOW, a talking dog!”
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