Wife β You hate my relatives!
Husband β No, I donβt! In fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine.
Tag Archives: good clean jokes
Joke of the day – One kiss per yard
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said, “I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?” “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”
Joke of the day – Pick three hymns
One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he’d like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take him, him, and him.”
Joke of the day – The two hunters
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. “Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something … but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!” “Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck,” the other added.
Joke of the day – Free drinks
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, βWhatβll you have?β The guy answers, βA scotch, please.β
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, βThatβll be five dollars,β to which the guy replies, βWhat are you talking about? I donβt owe you anything for this.β
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, βYou know, heβs got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.β
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, βOkay, you beat me for a drink. But donβt ever let me catch you in here again.β
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, βWhat the heck are you doing in here? I canβt believe youβve got the audacity to come back!β
The guy says, βWhat are you talking about? Iβve never been in this place in my life!β The bartender replies, βIβm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.β
To which the guy replies, βThank you. Make it a scotch.β.
Joke of the day – Just two words
A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn’t speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.
One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say “My Princess”.
The next year he saw her he wanted to say “My princess, i love you”.
The third year he saw her, he wanted to say “My princess I love you, will you marry me?” But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.
So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.
He approached her respectfully and asked, “JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
And the princess said, “Pardon?”
Joke of the day – Flight to Boston
A man telephoned the airline office and asked, βHow long does it take to fly to Boston?β The clerk said, βJust a minuteβ¦β βThank you,β the man said and hung up.
Joke of the day – Big turkey
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, theyβre dead.”
Joke of the day – Hearing test
There was an elderly man visiting a doctor for his check-up. As he was leaving he asked the doctor if he could recommend a specialist for his wife. “What’s wrong with her?” asked the doctor. The old man explained that her hearing was getting so bad that it was almost embarrassing. The doctor said he knew of several specialists that could help but he wanted the old man to do a little test when he got home to help the doctor determine the severity of her hearing loss. The doctor said “When you get home, make sure your wife’s back is turned to you and ask her a question. If she doesn’t respond walk closer and ask her again. Keep doing this until she answers and let me know the results”.
That night when the old man opened the door of his home he could see his wife in the kitchen preparing dinner. She was at the counter with her back to the door. “What’s for dinner?” the old man asked. His wife did not respond so he walks to the doorway of the kitchen and asked the question again. Still, he was greeted with silence. This time he walks up just behind her and asks once again “What’s for dinner?” His wife spins around a bit agitated and says “For the third time, Fried Chicken!!”
Joke of the day – Animal crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
“What are you doing?” his mother asked.
“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained.
“I’m looking for the seal.”
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