One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don’t love me any more…”
“Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Mercedes in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Mercedes, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“What!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex is gone!”
When I saw a little girl pushing a doll in a toy stroller, I smiled and asked “Is that your baby?”
“No, it’s a doll,” she replied. Then she added confidentially,“They’re a lot less trouble.”
A big, burly man visited the pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
“Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.”
“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife. “May I ask who you are?”
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.
Two friends were discussion the family histories when one of them lamented that he knew precious little about his roots. “I’ve always wanted to have my family history traced,” he said, “but I can’t afford to hire someone. Any suggestions?”
“Sure,” replied his friend. “Run for public office,”
A redhead, brunette and blonde were on their way to Heaven.
God told them the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and on every 5th step He’d tell them a joke. But, they must not laugh or else they couldn’t enter heaven.
The brunette went first and started laughing on the 65th step, so she could not enter Heaven.
The redhead went next and started laughing on the 320th step, so she could not enter Heaven either.
Then, it was the blonde’s turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.
“Why are you laughing?” God asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.”
“I know,” the blonde replied. “I just got the first one.”
A little boy wanted 100 dollars badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, they decided to send it to the President
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a 10 dollar bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the money and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:
Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, and as usual, those jerks deducted 90%. Love, Tommy
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ― Charles Schulz
A group of tourists were on a safari in the jungles of a little-explored faraway country when they were captured by cannibals.
“Oh, yes!” the chief of the tribe exclaimed.
“We’re going to put all of you into big pots of water, cook you and eat you!”
“You can’t do that to me,” a member of the tour said, “I’m the editor of a big newspaper.”
“Well,” the chief responded. “Tonight, you will be editor-in-chief.”
An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby and pushed a button for elevator service. “The lift will be down presently,” said a nearby clerk.
“The lift?”, said the American. “Oh, you mean the elevator.”
“No, I mean the lift, replied the Englishman, annoyed by the American’s arrogance.
“I think I should know what it’s called,” said the American. “After all, elevators were invented in the United States.”
“Perhaps,” retorted the Englishman. “But the language was invented here.”
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