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Joke of the day – Dream job

Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job!

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Dreaming Penguin

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Guest Post: What makes a camel happy?

“A camel is usually known as a grumpy animal, so what makes a camel happy?”

Sit back and enjoy this hilarious story written by one of my favourite bloggers. Ł©(Ė˜ā—”Ė˜)Ū¶

Well here I am, Uncle Spike, popping up on this wonderful blog as guest writer for a day, after Pat, your host, was the recent winner of a ā€˜Guess What’ photo-image post on my blog.

Camels, hmm, yes… we are known to be rather grumpy old farts, I have to admit. I mean, wouldn’t you be, plodding around under the heat of the desert, with nuffink to dangle your lips into for sustenance for days on end? Or worse still, some of us end up carting round overweight pink tourists all day long; who seem to like being decorated in nothing more than an ill-fitting bikini top, garish shorts, a camera strung around their scrawny necks, screeching with raucous laughter and wearing an embarrassing sunhat??

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Talking of grumpy camels, here’s one of my cousins who lives in Tunisia, who goes by the name of ā€œBryan ā€˜The Camel’ Jonesā€ (don’t ask me why, he’s been out in the desert for too long, his brains are addled I guess)… He’s a definite grump though, but probably with good reason – you see, lugging around bundles of crops all day under the sun, or pulling that old plough (plow) must play havoc with his old bones, so yeah, he has every right to be a grump me thinks.

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But we are not all grumpy. My third cousin, twice removed, ā€œEsmeraldaā€, has a wicked sense of fun, especially in her second hump – you see, her first hump contains her sensibility, or so she says anyhow. But Esmeralda is a cutie, and you gotta admit, she was born to flash that killer grin, yeah?

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And then we have my ā€œUncle Bozā€. He’s a tough old brute, but in a nice way I mean. He works on a farm just north of Nakuru, which is just a tad south of the equator in Kenya, East Africa. He can be a bit grumpy, or so my Aunt says. Here he is by the way, wearing his least grumpy smile when we visited him last year to share in a family New Year.

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But what about me, ā€œUncle Spikeā€? Well, I’m half grumpy, half bonkers I think you could say. I have my off days, as does any camel, but on the whole, I’m a happy middle-aged camel, living here in southwest Turkey on a fruit farm. I know, I know, not every camel’s dream job, right? But it’s steady work, and although the summers are hot here, around 40-45 every day (or 104-113 if you are from the States), the winters are mild, but soggy, and I’ve found that my flabby old feet do rather well on the porous rocky mountainous terrain here when the ground is soaked like a sponge dropped into a bath.

Spike 05

But I’ll tell you what makes me really happy, ā€˜life’. I’m a happy camel who loves life, and now I’m a blogger, fancy that? So yeah, we can be grumps or funsters… Life as a camel is a mixed bag, you gotta admit…!

Thanks for your hospitality Pat, and hope my debt is repaid now.

UNCLE SPIKE (www.unclespikes.wordpress.com)

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Joke of the day – Pickpocket

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Pickpocket’s job title:
Self-Employed Public Fund Raiser

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Joke of the day – Job evaluation

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Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments:

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

COMPETENT: Still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

HAPPY: Overpaid.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

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Joke of the day – Army

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1st Soldier: What did you do in the Army?

2nd Soldier: I was an eye doctor. My job was to cut the eyes out of potatoes.

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Joke of the day – Job interview

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A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?”

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “Twenty-two.” The second was a social worker. She said, “I don’t know the answer but I’m glad we had time to discuss this important question.” The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, “How much is two and two?” The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it, then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “How much do you want it to be?” He got the job.

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Quote of the day – Stephen Covey

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ā€œIf the ladder is not leaning against the right wall, every step we take just gets us to the wrong place faster.”

― Stephen Covey

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Joke of the day – First job

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A young man hired by a supermarket reported his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I’m a university graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”

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Quote of the day – Pearl Bailey

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“What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork.”

– Pearl Bailey

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Joke of the day – The spectacular job

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One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. “I’ll grant you your fondest wish,” the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job — a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.”

“Poof!” said the genie. “You’re a housewife.”