Tag Archives: jokes

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Joke of the day – The cat in heaven

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One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord.

The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”

The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.

Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, “All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don’t have to run anymore?” The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

A week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you got here?”
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!”

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Joke of the day – The young lawyer

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A young lawyer died and was brought to heaven. Upon arriving the lawyer started protesting that it’s way to early for him to die, for he was only 32 years old, and there must be some mistake. The listening angel agreed that perhaps it was a mistake and agreed to look into it. After a few minutes the angel came back and said β€œI’m sorry sir but I am afraid there is no mistake, we calculated your age by how many hours you billed your clients, and you are at least 96.”

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Joke of the day – What’s in the bags?

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A man tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, “What’s in the bags?”

The man says, “Sand!”

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects… only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated…

“What have you there?”

“Sand”

“We want to examine.”

Same results… nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.

Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn’t show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, “Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won’t say anything what were you smuggling?”

The fellow says, “Bicycles.”

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Joke of the day – Walking on water

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A priest, an evangelist, and a minister were in a boat in the middle of a pond fishing. None of them had caught anything all morning.

Then the evangelist stands up and says he needs to go to the bathroom so he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to shore. He comes back ten minutes later the same way.

Then the minister decides he needs to go to the bathroom, too, so he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to shore. He, too, comes back the same way ten minutes later.

The priest looks at both of them and decides that his faith is just as strong as his fishing buddies and that he can walk on water, too. He stands up and excuses himself. As he steps out, he makes a big splash down into the water.

The evangelist looks at the minister and says,“I suppose we should have told him where the rocks were.”

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Joke of the day – Five million dollars

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Joe’s grandfather left him five million dollars, and the next week Jane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Joe noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more.

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

“Jane,” he said, “was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me five million dollars when he died?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she replied, “I don’t care who gave you the money!”

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Joke of the day – “Counterfeit”

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English teacher: ‘Jim, give me a sentence with the word “counterfeit” in it.’

Jim: ‘I wasn’t sure if she was a centipede or a millipede, so I had to count her feet.’

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Joke of the day – Price of worship

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A man and his nine-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy’s insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son a dime to drop in the offering plate as it was passed.

As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. “The service was too long,” he lamented. “The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key.”

Finally the boy said, “Dad, I thought it was pretty good for a dime.”

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Joke of the day – Lesson on evolution

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The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy.

TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay.(He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That’s my point. We can’t see God because he isn’t there! He doesn’t exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked:

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then based on what we were taught today, she does not have one!

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Joke of the day – Voice mail from God

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We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered, “What if God decided to install voice mail?” Imagine praying and hearing this…

Thank you for calling My Father’s House.
Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all other inquiries

What if God used the familiar excuse, “All the angels are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line. You call will be answered in the order it was received.

Can you imagine getting these kinds of response as you call on God in prayer?

If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 1 now
If you would like to speak to Michael, press 2 now
For a directory of other angels, press 3 now
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you’re holding,
press 4 now

To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, enter his or her social security number now.

For reservations at My Father’s House, press the letters J-O-H-N and then 3-1-6.

For answers on nagging questions about the age of earth and where Noah’s Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday after 9:00 a.m.

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Joke of the day – The photographer

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A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”