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Jokes of the day – Watch dog

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We have a fine watch dog. So far he has watched somebody steal our car, watched the garage burn down and watched a bloke pinch the lawn mover.

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Joke of the day – Best medicine

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People say that laughter is the best medicine…my face must be curing the world!

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Joke of the day – Unicorns

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Unicorns are real! They’re just fat and grey and we call them rhinos.

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Joke of the day – The clever dachshund

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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, “I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

“Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:

“Where’s that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”

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Joke of the day – Dinner

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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn’t have a scent, the deer didn’t have a buck so they put the meal on the duck’s bill.

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Joke of the day – Barnyard artist

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Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?

Vincent van Goat! or Pablo Pigcaso!

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Joke of the day – The snail

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A snail entered a police station and told an officer, “I just got mugged by two turtles. They beat me up and took all my money!”

The officer replied, “Why that’s terrible. Did you get a good look at them?”

“No sir, it all happened so fast!”

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Joke of the day – Don’t talk to the parrot

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Randy the dishwasher repairman was given specific instructions concerning the woman’s two pets. “The Rottweiler won’t hurt you, even though it looks fierce, but whatever you do, don’t talk to the parrot.”

Randy let himself in and set to work, and the dog just lay quietly on the carpet. But the parrot mocked him mercilessly the whole time.

“Wow, you’re pretty fat,” the bird would say. “Hey, fatso, you couldn’t change the batteries in a flashlight, let alone fix a dishwasher.”

Before long, Randy had had enough. “You know, bird, you think you’re pretty smart for someone with a brain the size of a pea.”

The parrot was silent for a moment, and then, with a gleam in its eye, said, “All right. Get him, Spike.”

– Terry Boas

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Joke of the day – Penguin

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A penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.

He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he has found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, β€œIt looks like you blew a seal.”

β€œNo, no,” the penguin replies, β€œit’s just ice cream.”

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Joke of the day – Cat’s Resolutions

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5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in and vice versa.

4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad.

3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I’m in a bad mood)

2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)

and the Number One New Year’s Resolution for 2014 is…

1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.