Tag Archives: funny jokes

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Joke of the day – What’s in the bags?

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A man tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, “What’s in the bags?”

The man says, “Sand!”

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects… only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated…

“What have you there?”

“Sand”

“We want to examine.”

Same results… nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.

Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn’t show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, “Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won’t say anything what were you smuggling?”

The fellow says, “Bicycles.”

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Joke of the day – Walking on water

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A priest, an evangelist, and a minister were in a boat in the middle of a pond fishing. None of them had caught anything all morning.

Then the evangelist stands up and says he needs to go to the bathroom so he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to shore. He comes back ten minutes later the same way.

Then the minister decides he needs to go to the bathroom, too, so he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to shore. He, too, comes back the same way ten minutes later.

The priest looks at both of them and decides that his faith is just as strong as his fishing buddies and that he can walk on water, too. He stands up and excuses himself. As he steps out, he makes a big splash down into the water.

The evangelist looks at the minister and says,“I suppose we should have told him where the rocks were.”

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Joke of the day – Five million dollars

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Joe’s grandfather left him five million dollars, and the next week Jane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Joe noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more.

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

“Jane,” he said, “was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me five million dollars when he died?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she replied, “I don’t care who gave you the money!”

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Joke of the day – “Counterfeit”

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English teacher: ‘Jim, give me a sentence with the word “counterfeit” in it.’

Jim: ‘I wasn’t sure if she was a centipede or a millipede, so I had to count her feet.’

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Joke of the day – Price of worship

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A man and his nine-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy’s insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son a dime to drop in the offering plate as it was passed.

As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. “The service was too long,” he lamented. “The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key.”

Finally the boy said, “Dad, I thought it was pretty good for a dime.”

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Joke of the day – Lesson on evolution

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The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy.

TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay.(He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That’s my point. We can’t see God because he isn’t there! He doesn’t exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked:

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then based on what we were taught today, she does not have one!

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Joke of the day – Voice mail from God

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We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But you may have wondered, “What if God decided to install voice mail?” Imagine praying and hearing this…

Thank you for calling My Father’s House.
Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all other inquiries

What if God used the familiar excuse, “All the angels are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line. You call will be answered in the order it was received.

Can you imagine getting these kinds of response as you call on God in prayer?

If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 1 now
If you would like to speak to Michael, press 2 now
For a directory of other angels, press 3 now
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you’re holding,
press 4 now

To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, enter his or her social security number now.

For reservations at My Father’s House, press the letters J-O-H-N and then 3-1-6.

For answers on nagging questions about the age of earth and where Noah’s Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already called once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday after 9:00 a.m.

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Joke of the day – The photographer

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A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”

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Joke of the day – The spectacular job

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One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. “I’ll grant you your fondest wish,” the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job — a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.”

“Poof!” said the genie. “You’re a housewife.”

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Joke of the day – The best gift for mother

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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said: “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said: “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third said: “You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.

“Milton,” she said, “the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.

“Gerald,” she said, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He’s a pain!”

“But Donald,” she said, “the little chicken you sent was delicious!”