A lady from the city and her traveling companion were on the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows. “What a cute bunch of cows!” she remarked. “Not a bunch, herd”, her friend replied. “Heard of what?” “Herd of cows.” “Of course I’ve heard of cows.” “No, a cow herd.” “What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!”
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord.
The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”
The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”
The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.
Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, “All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don’t have to run anymore?” The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
A week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you got here?”
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!”
A young lawyer died and was brought to heaven. Upon arriving the lawyer started protesting that itβs way to early for him to die, for he was only 32 years old, and there must be some mistake. The listening angel agreed that perhaps it was a mistake and agreed to look into it. After a few minutes the angel came back and said βIβm sorry sir but I am afraid there is no mistake, we calculated your age by how many hours you billed your clients, and you are at least 96.”
A man tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, “What’s in the bags?”
The man says, “Sand!”
The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects… only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.
Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated…
“What have you there?”
“Sand”
“We want to examine.”
Same results… nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.
Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn’t show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, “Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won’t say anything what were you smuggling?”
The fellow says, “Bicycles.”
A priest, an evangelist, and a minister were in a boat in the middle of a pond fishing. None of them had caught anything all morning.
Then the evangelist stands up and says he needs to go to the bathroom so he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to shore. He comes back ten minutes later the same way.
Then the minister decides he needs to go to the bathroom, too, so he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to shore. He, too, comes back the same way ten minutes later.
The priest looks at both of them and decides that his faith is just as strong as his fishing buddies and that he can walk on water, too. He stands up and excuses himself. As he steps out, he makes a big splash down into the water.
The evangelist looks at the minister and says,“I suppose we should have told him where the rocks were.”
Joe’s grandfather left him five million dollars, and the next week Jane agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Joe noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more.
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
“Jane,” he said, “was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me five million dollars when he died?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she replied, “I don’t care who gave you the money!”
English teacher: ‘Jim, give me a sentence with the word “counterfeit” in it.’
Jim: ‘I wasn’t sure if she was a centipede or a millipede, so I had to count her feet.’
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. “I’ll grant you your fondest wish,” the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, “I want a spectacular job — a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do.”
“Poof!” said the genie. “You’re a housewife.”
The story of Adam and Eve was being carefully explained in the children’s Sunday School class. Following the story, the children were asked to draw some picture that would illustrate the story.
Little Bobby was most interested and drew a picture of a car with three people in it. In the front seat, behind the wheel was a man and in the back seat, a man and a woman.
The teacher was at a loss to understand how this illustrated the lesson of Adam and Eve.
But little Bobby was prompt with his explanation. “Why, this is God driving Adam and Eve out of the garden!”
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