The mother was furious. βSam!β β she yelled. βWhy are you making such awful faces at your bulldog?β
βWell, Mom, he started it!β
Tag Archives: good jokes
Jokes of the day – Relatives
Wife β You hate my relatives!
Husband β No, I donβt! In fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine.
Joke of the day – Pick three hymns
One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he’d like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, “I’ll take him, him, and him.”
Joke of the day – Free drinks
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, βWhatβll you have?β The guy answers, βA scotch, please.β
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, βThatβll be five dollars,β to which the guy replies, βWhat are you talking about? I donβt owe you anything for this.β
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, βYou know, heβs got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.β
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, βOkay, you beat me for a drink. But donβt ever let me catch you in here again.β
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, βWhat the heck are you doing in here? I canβt believe youβve got the audacity to come back!β
The guy says, βWhat are you talking about? Iβve never been in this place in my life!β The bartender replies, βIβm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.β
To which the guy replies, βThank you. Make it a scotch.β.
Joke of the day – Just two words
A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn’t speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.
One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say “My Princess”.
The next year he saw her he wanted to say “My princess, i love you”.
The third year he saw her, he wanted to say “My princess I love you, will you marry me?” But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.
So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.
He approached her respectfully and asked, “JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
And the princess said, “Pardon?”
Joke of the day – Big turkey
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, theyβre dead.”
Joke of the day – Hearing test
There was an elderly man visiting a doctor for his check-up. As he was leaving he asked the doctor if he could recommend a specialist for his wife. “What’s wrong with her?” asked the doctor. The old man explained that her hearing was getting so bad that it was almost embarrassing. The doctor said he knew of several specialists that could help but he wanted the old man to do a little test when he got home to help the doctor determine the severity of her hearing loss. The doctor said “When you get home, make sure your wife’s back is turned to you and ask her a question. If she doesn’t respond walk closer and ask her again. Keep doing this until she answers and let me know the results”.
That night when the old man opened the door of his home he could see his wife in the kitchen preparing dinner. She was at the counter with her back to the door. “What’s for dinner?” the old man asked. His wife did not respond so he walks to the doorway of the kitchen and asked the question again. Still, he was greeted with silence. This time he walks up just behind her and asks once again “What’s for dinner?” His wife spins around a bit agitated and says “For the third time, Fried Chicken!!”
Joke of the day – Animal crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
“What are you doing?” his mother asked.
“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained.
“I’m looking for the seal.”
Joke of the day – Just whisper
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, βMom, I have to pee.β
The mother said to the little boy, βItβs not appropriate to say the word βpeeβ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to βpeeβ just tell me that you have to βwhisperβ.β
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, βDad, I have to whisper.”
The father looked at him and said, βOkay, just whisper in my ear.β
Joke of the day – Manic Depression
In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
She posed this question to her students: “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, “A football coach?”
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