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Joke of the day – Second opinion

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A man runs into the vetโ€™s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dogโ€™s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dogโ€™s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.โ€ The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says,
โ€œIโ€™m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.โ€

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, โ€œ$650.โ€

โ€œ$650 to tell me my dog is dead?โ€ exclaims the man.

โ€œWell,โ€ the vet replies, โ€œI would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.

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Joke of the day – Russian baby boy

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The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”

The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him.”

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Joke of the day – God and Einstein

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Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord…
“God, what does a million years mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A minute.”

“Einstein asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A penny.”

Einstein asks, “Can I have a penny?”

The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

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Joke of the day – The parakeet

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One day a man strolled in to the paint section of a hardware store and walked up to the assistant. “I’d like a pint of canary colored paint,” he says. “Sure” the clerk replies. “Mind if I ask what it’s for?” “My parakeet, “the man said. “See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so beautifully he is sure to win.”

“Well, you can’t do that!” the assistant says. “The chemicals in the paint will surely kill the poor thing!” “No they won’t,” says the customer. “Listen, buddy, I’ll bet you twenty bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him.” “You’re on” said the customer.

Two days later the man walks back in the store and very sheepishly lays $20 on the counter. “So the paint killed him?” asked the clerk. “Indirectly,” the man said. “He seemed to handle the paint okay, but I think the sanding between coats did him in.”

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Joke of the day – Be quiet

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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,

“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

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Joke of the day – Grandma

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A little boy asked his grandma how old she was.

“39 and holding,” she replied.

“Well, then, how old would you be if you let go?”

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Joke of the day – Starbucks

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“When I went to Starbucks for coffee they lied. It wasn’t Starbucks, it was four bucks!”

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Joke of the day – Personal Ad

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The following personal ad evidently received numerous enthusiastic responses:
SINGLE BLONDE FEMALE
Looking for a willing partner, any sex or ethnicity. I’m a gorgeous, fun-loving girl who lives to play and make you happy. Let’s go for a romp in the woods or a picnic in the park. Let’s cruise in your convertible with the top down and then go skinny-dipping. I love the outdoors in any weather, and winter nights cuddled up on the sofa. Good food is a total turn on. Stroke me and see how I respond. I’ll be waiting whenever you come home, with nothing but bells on.
Call 555-6633 and ask for Pixie.
Callers found themselves talking to the local animal shelter about a golden retriever puppy.

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Joke of the day – Lesson on whales

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A teacher asked her class what they knew about whales. One little girl spoke up and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher smiled and said she didnโ€™t think that was very likely, because even though whales can be big, their throats are not big enough to swallow a man. But the little girl was adamant, and maintained that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher was getting impatient, and reiterated that this was physically unlikely. But the girl was unmoved, and said that when she got to heaven, she would ask Jonah.

โ€œBut what if Jonah went to hell?โ€ the teacher asked.
The girl replied, โ€œThen you ask him.โ€

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Jokes of the day – Bulldog

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The mother was furious. โ€œSam!โ€ โ€“ she yelled. โ€œWhy are you making such awful faces at your bulldog?โ€

โ€œWell, Mom, he started it!โ€