Husband: “When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?”
Wife: “I clean the toilet.”
Husband: “How does that help?”
Wife: “I use your toothbrush.”
Tag Archives: marriage jokes
Joke of the day – The portrait
A woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things,” he replied.
“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.”
Joke of the day – Lecture on economy
Two husbands leaning on the bar.
“Did you give your wife a lecture on economy like I told you?”
“Yes, I certainly did.”
“And what was the result?”
“I’ve got to give up smoking.”
Joke of the day – Model husband
In seeking a model husband, it’s wise to be sure he’s a working model.
Joke of the day – You’re A to K
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, and then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”
She asked, “What does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.”
She smiled happily and said, “Oh, that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
Joke of the day – Five million dollars
Joe’s grandfather left him five million dollars, and the next week Jane agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Joe noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more.
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
“Jane,” he said, “was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me five million dollars when he died?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she replied, “I don’t care who gave you the money!”
Joke of the day – Large steak
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; You don’t love me any more…”
“Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”
Joke of the day – Write it down
An elderly couple with memory problems are advised by their doctor to write notes to help them remember things.
One evening, while watching TV, the wife asks her husband to get her a bowl of ice-cream. “Sure,” he says.
“Write it down,” she suggests.
“No,” he says, “I can remember a simple thing like that.”
“I also want strawberry and whipped cream,” she says. “Write it down.”
“I don’t need to write it down,” he insists, heading to the kitchen.
Twenty minutes later, he returns bearing a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs. “I told you to write it down!” his wife says, “I wanted fried eggs!”
Joke of the day – The birthday present
A wife buys an enormous birthday present for her husband.
He opens it and looks rather confused.
“What am I supposed to do with a rocket?”
“You wanted space,” she replies. “Now get lost.”
Joke of the day – Food effects
Scientists have identified a food that, once digested, can have negative effects on people’s health that last for decades, including mood-swings in women, psychotic episodes in men and severe depression in both.
It’s called ‘wedding cake’.
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