A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, theyβre dead.”
Tag Archives: clean jokes
Joke of the day – Hearing test
There was an elderly man visiting a doctor for his check-up. As he was leaving he asked the doctor if he could recommend a specialist for his wife. “What’s wrong with her?” asked the doctor. The old man explained that her hearing was getting so bad that it was almost embarrassing. The doctor said he knew of several specialists that could help but he wanted the old man to do a little test when he got home to help the doctor determine the severity of her hearing loss. The doctor said “When you get home, make sure your wife’s back is turned to you and ask her a question. If she doesn’t respond walk closer and ask her again. Keep doing this until she answers and let me know the results”.
That night when the old man opened the door of his home he could see his wife in the kitchen preparing dinner. She was at the counter with her back to the door. “What’s for dinner?” the old man asked. His wife did not respond so he walks to the doorway of the kitchen and asked the question again. Still, he was greeted with silence. This time he walks up just behind her and asks once again “What’s for dinner?” His wife spins around a bit agitated and says “For the third time, Fried Chicken!!”
Joke of the day – Manic Depression
In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
She posed this question to her students: “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits down weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, “A football coach?”
Joke of the day – Cows
A lady from the city and her traveling companion were on the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows. “What a cute bunch of cows!” she remarked. “Not a bunch, herd”, her friend replied. “Heard of what?” “Herd of cows.” “Of course I’ve heard of cows.” “No, a cow herd.” “What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!”
Joke of the day – The cat in heaven
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord.
The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”
The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”
The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more,” and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.
Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, “All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We’re tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don’t have to run anymore?” The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
A week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you got here?”
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those ‘Meals On Wheels’ you’ve been sending by are the best!”
Joke of the day – The young lawyer
A young lawyer died and was brought to heaven. Upon arriving the lawyer started protesting that itβs way to early for him to die, for he was only 32 years old, and there must be some mistake. The listening angel agreed that perhaps it was a mistake and agreed to look into it. After a few minutes the angel came back and said βIβm sorry sir but I am afraid there is no mistake, we calculated your age by how many hours you billed your clients, and you are at least 96.”
Joke of the day – Five million dollars
Joe’s grandfather left him five million dollars, and the next week Jane agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Joe noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more.
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.
“Jane,” he said, “was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me five million dollars when he died?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she replied, “I don’t care who gave you the money!”
Joke of the day – “Counterfeit”
English teacher: ‘Jim, give me a sentence with the word “counterfeit” in it.’
Jim: ‘I wasn’t sure if she was a centipede or a millipede, so I had to count her feet.’
Joke of the day – Price of worship
A man and his nine-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy’s insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son a dime to drop in the offering plate as it was passed.
As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. “The service was too long,” he lamented. “The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key.”
Finally the boy said, “Dad, I thought it was pretty good for a dime.”
Joke of the day – Lesson on evolution
The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy.
TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay.(He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That’s my point. We can’t see God because he isn’t there! He doesn’t exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked:
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then based on what we were taught today, she does not have one!
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